Link It’s the early bird that gets the worm,but what about the early worm?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
By Kaleem Omar
I doubt whether there is any country in the world where there has been talk of bringing in a five-day working week in order to conserve electricity. Yet that is precisely the kind of talk we’re hearing in Pakistan these days. Whether this prescription will work is another matter. Chairman Mao may have said that power flows from the barrel of a gun, but the power he was referring to had nothing to do with electricity. If he’d waited for load-shedding in China to end before launching his revolution, there might never have been a People’s Republic of China. This is another way of saying that no revolution is likely to emerge from the musty corridors of KESC’s offices, or even WAPDA’s offices for that matter.
Be that as it may, Friday marks the end of the five-day working week in much of the world, with Saturday and Sunday lumped together to form what is known as the weekend. In France, they call it “le weekend” – to the fury of French language purists who see this as yet another example of their mother tongue being polluted by Americanisms.
The five-day working week presupposes that you’ve cleared your desk by Friday. In fact, the only one who got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. That’s why it is said that a man’s work is never done.
An advertising axiom, on the other hand, says: Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise. Another axiom holds that it’s the early bird that gets the worm, but what about the early worm? It’s the one that gets got, that’s what. The moral of the story is that if you must be the early worm, make sure there are no early birds about – otherwise you’ve got problems.
To help you avoid such problems, including the problem of trying to get everything done by Friday, here are some homilies for the unwary.
Field’s First Law of Success: If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
Sheetz’s Ruminations: (1) It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. (2) A friend in need is a friend to avoid. (3) To err is human; to forgive is against company policy. (4) When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing. (5) The way some people find fault with others, you’d think there was a reward. (6) Those who think they know it all are very annoying to those you do.
Zymurgy’s Law on the Availability of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense. I, for one, have nothing against work; I can watch other people doing it for hours. A sign above the main bar in the Delhi Gymkhana Club dating back to the days of the British Raj says: “Work is the enemy of the drinking classes.”
Zymurgy’s First Law of Evolving-System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a longer can. In America, everything comes out of a can. In fact, there are people there who believe that even happiness comes out of a can. That’s why the canning industry in America is so big. Nobel Prize-winning American novelist John Steinbeck even wrote a novel about it called “Cannery Row.” The movie version starred Nick Nolte and Deborah Winger.
Mesikimen’s Law: There’s never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. Some people have been doing the same thing over and over again for years. It’s one way of avoiding doing anything new. But imagine working in a factory counting toasters coming off the assembly line. After the millionth toaster, you’d be a candidate for the loony bin.
Davidson’s Law of Inquiry: People ask stupid questions for a reason. Some people, however, are so dumb they’d be stuck for an answer if you said hello. Canada’s first poet laureate, George Bowering, 65, who has won the Governor General’s award twice and has written 50 books, one famously remarked, “The best thing about Canada is that it is not this. It is this and that.” Life’s a bit like that. It’s a bit of this and a bit of that.
Thurber’s Law: There’s no safety in numbers, or anything else. There are numbers and numbers, however. American billionaire J. Paul Getty was once asked what was the secret of his business success. “Buy cheap, sell expensive,” he replied – encapsulating in those four words what four years at the Harvard Business School won’t teach you.
Robbins Rules of Marketing: (1) Your share of the market is really lower than you think. (2) The combined market position goals of all competitors always equals at least 150 per cent. (3) The existence of a market does not ensure the existence of a customer. This is something that our Export Promotion Bureau needs to remember when it talks of new markets for Pakistani exports. (4) Beware of alleged needs that have no market. (5) Low price and long shipment win over high price and short shipment. (6) If you can’t get the whole job, settle for part of it. (7) The number of competitors never declines. (8) Secret negotiations are usual neither. (9) If the customer wants vanilla, give him vanilla. (10) If the customer buys lunch, you’ve lost the order. (11) Unless constantly nurtured, nothing is as short-lived as a good customer. (12) No matter how good the deal, the customer is always sceptical. (13) The worth of a thing is what it will bring. Look at it this way: If you owned a diamond that was so expensive nobody could afford to buy it, it would, in effect, be worth nothing.
White’s Observation of Committee Operation: People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create. A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members. Hence, the old adage: A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Martin-Berthelot’s Principle: Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the action that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. Sometimes, there’s so much hot generated you could even hold a hot-air-balloon race with it. On the subject of balloons, though, I am reminded of the time during the Zia years when Malcolm Forbes, the founder of America’s Forbes magazine, came to this country with a hot air balloon in the shape of the Minar-e-Pakistan. With much fanfare, he had the balloon inflated at the Jinnah Bagh grounds in Karachi. But no sooner was the balloon up than it collapsed. That was the era of press advices, and the government promptly issued a press advice saying that newspapers were not to print any pictures of the collapsed balloon. Yes, those were the days.
Steiner’s Postulates: (1) In business, as well as in chess, the winner is the one who makes the next to last mistake. (2) At business meetings, the one unmatched asset is the ability to yawn with your mouth closed. Some people have yawned their way to the top. (3) Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. (4) Trivial matters take up more time because we know more about them than important matters. (5) The effort expended by a bureaucracy in defending any error is in direct proportion to the size of the error.
Dalgish’s Law: Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment. That’s why it’s better to be lucky than smart. “Give me a general who’s lucky,” said Napoleon.
Stovall’s Law of Negative Inaction: The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you’ve finished. So do something, even if it’s nothing much.
Linton’s Laws: (1) Growth is directly proportionate to promises made; profit is inversely proportionate to promises kept. (2) An accurate determination of the depth of the well cannot be made by measuring the pump handle. (3) A picture is worth a thousand words; a slide show is both. That’s why people making business presentations these days are very big on slide shows, especially when they really haven’t got anything of substance to say. Beware of slide shows.
Cannon’s Cogent Comment: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre. A corollary to this law says: If you come up with a lemon, make lemonade.
Gresham’s Law: Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved. If you think this isn’t true, ask any bureaucrat. If he’s frank about it, he will tell you he’s made a whole career out of handling trivial matters and shelving important matters. That’s why the pile of unsolved important matters is now reaching the roof in the corridors of power in Islamabad.
Couvier’s Law: There’s nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. A case in point is the actions of US President George W. Bush, aka the Bomber of Afghanistan and the Bomber of Baghdad. Someone should tell him to make sure the brain is engaged before putting the mouth in gear. It’s just as well that American presidents are limited to two terms. I don’t think the world could survive another Bush term.